This evening my Grandma, lovingly called "Bagaw" by many, passed away.
She was a very healthy vibrant Chicago spitfire of a woman that loved her family, especially cooking for them. :-) It breaks my heart to write this and I'm trying to type through a haze of tears, but I have to. She and Papa flew out on Sunday, Mother's Day, to Utah to be with Papa's daughter Suzie. Sunday night Bagaw woke up with difficulty breathing. When the paramedics arrived her pulse was 11! Terrifying! After tests were run at the hospital they determined that she had congestive heart failure. Later tests showed that she also had a heart attack, even though she had no pain. On Monday she underwent a triple bypass surgery to correct the 90% blockage they discovered in 3 main arteries. The Doctors said that her recovery wasn't progressing as well as they would like. Then on Tuesday during her recovery she had a stroke. From then on out her week was frought with ups and downs. One minute they hoped she could eventually make a full recovery, and transferred her to a rehabilitation facility, then the next minute she was back at the hospital in critical condition. Suzie advised that my Mom and her two sisters get out there as soon as possible. With all the unknowns of Bagaw's condition she didn't want them to take any chances.
Thanks to a dear friend's mother my Mom and her two sisters were able to fly to Utah for free. Which was a huge relief and a Godsend! We were, and still are, so incredibly grateful. They arrived on Saturday morning and got to spend some time with Bagaw. They were all able to say "I love you" and just be together. That evening the Doctors gave her an anti-anxiety medication to help calm her nerves. She was finally able to get some sleep. She had been without sleep for days, and desperately needed it. So the girls went back to Suzie's house for some rest. Sunday morning the girls found Bagaw to be non-responsive and in dire trouble. Her kidneys were failing and the breathing maching was doing 80% of the work. The girls had to make the toughest decision of their lives. They had a guide though, Bagaw's living will. They decided to take her off all life support and let her pass peacefully, just like Bagaw would have wanted. It's like Bagaw waited for the girls to get there before she would let go. After they left to get a few things together so they could start taking shifts with her, a nurse called and said that she was gone. Bagaw waited until they left. It's almost like she didn't want them to be there.
God Bless her! I will miss her SSOOOOOOO MUCH! I'm shaking just as I put this together. I will miss all that she's done for me. She and Papa were there to take care of me when I was on bedrest with my first pregnancy. She cleaned my house, fed me, brought me magazines to pass the time, and provided great company. I will miss her meatcrust pizza, her noodle soup (Camden's favorite) and her frisbees. I will miss her showing off all her bargains she found shopping the mall. I will miss how she genuinely loved playing with my strong-willed boys. She would come over and go straight to the floor and color, do puzzles, be pirates, play floam, or just about anything they would ask of her. But most of all I will miss her. I will miss her love for me. I could talk to her openly and honestly about anything. Nothing was taboo and nothing was off the table. She would listen without judging me and she would always put things in perspective for me. She made me feel better about being a mother and a wife when I was having a bad day. She was a HUGE Chicago Bears fan and I will never forget the sounds of her hollering for her team.
I'm so terribly sad that I wasn't able to be there in Utah with her. I wanted to hold her hand and tell her that everything will be ok. I didn't get to say goodbye. We were supposed to go out and have Crab Legs for a belated Mother's Day dinner when she got back. It was her favorite special treat to eat and we saved it for special occasions. Now what? What will I do without her? I miss her so much already and it's only been a few hours. How will I get through this? Does it get any easier? I'm consumed with grief and guilt. It breaks my heart that I will never get to hug her again and tell her how much I love her. I can't believe she's gone. It still seems so unreal. I'm sure over the next few weeks I will be waiting for her to call me to tell me that I was on her mind. I will miss getting her "just because" cards in the mail, I will miss...well, everything about her.
I miss you Bagaw. I always will. I love you with all that I can love someone, and you will never be forgotten. You have been a great influence in my life and you will continue to be.
Love,
Your Yi
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things,
we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind,
all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
just even for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
and all I've promised you".
Today for life on earth is past,
but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day's the same day,
there's no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
you knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
and now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand
and share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.
~by: David Romano ~
